Doubts.

Am I this worthless? 

I just feel like I'm never gunna suceed in anything.

I can never do anything right.

Nothing. 

Failed as person, failed as a daughter, failed as soul. 

Everybody hates me.

I can feel it and my hunches are usually right.

I can see it.

I just know it.

It shows in people's faces.

I can tell they are annoyed.

They want me dead.

I'm better off gone.

Cries.

It has been months since I've stepped into this site. It feels weird to be blogging again, to be having a quiet time with just me and my thoughts. I used to pour my everything out in this space. But there comes a point where I just wanted to keep things to myself. It's hard. I feel as if I were to explode. So, I guess externalizing these thoughts and feelings on black and white is a better way of releasing the tension in me.

.

.

.

A lot has changed this year. Unpleasant changes. Horrible. Traumatizing. Unforgettable.
Something that would stay in me for the rest of my life. 
Something gone.
Something ripped away from me. From my life.
The sorrow.

Our lives have gone downhill in year 2011. Way down. 
Nothing could have stopped it.
It's fated and it's not something that you'd want to go against.
It has been rough.
Death occured.
That was how ugly it got. 
More might come.
I can tell.
In fact, I know it.
I feel it.

.
.

Why did you have to go?

Why must it be you? 

Why?

I can never believe the words "It's gunna be okay" anymore.

Cuz in the end, it never will be okay.

The situation would only aggravate.

The facts of life. 

You just need to take it or you'll be victims of yourselves.

Sad but true.

Bitter.

Never good enough.

Never the one.

Bitte. Nicht.

It is not as if it has already happened or it is going to happen. I don't know. I'm not sure. I couldn't be sure. I don't know what to feel, what to think, what to expect. All I know is I couldn't stop thinking about it. I couldn't imagine how my life would be or go on if it really happens. I tried to, but I couldn't. Nothing comes to my mind. It is filled with blankness, emptiness.......

It is as if a part of me will be missing. Part of my life. Losing my motivation, inspiration, enthusiasm, determination, faith, force, spirit.... Nothing to look forward to. Nothing to keep me going. Nothing to wake me from the dead. 

Been feeling so down since I watched the video. It is really an amazing and awesome video but it also brings out so much emotions. Emotions that I don't feel good about. Emotions that will pull me down if it prolongs. That could kill. I just wish these emotions are mind games. Unreal.

Nein. Why am I poisoning my mind with such thoughts? It will not happen! Will it? Please. Don't. I just found my track. I don't want to be lost in oblivion again. In a limbo. I still am but I have a direction now. At least not twirling around.

Why am I so affected by this? It is not as if they are tangible. It is not as if I really know them. It is not as if they know about my existence, my feelings. It is not as if.... No... I am deeply affected. Them breaking apart will put a deep cut on my flesh. My heart. 

These thoughts brought tears to my eyes. I know I shouldn't be even be thinking about something that I am not even sure of. These ludicrous assumptions. But, I just couldn't help it. The thoughts wouldn't leave me. It haunts me. I am just afraid. Worried. Anxious. 

I hope whatever that has been playing in mind will not come true. I have fallen so deep. There is no turning back. No way to climb back up. I need you. We need you. We love you so much. Don't ever *.

I CAN'T WAIT ANYMORE.

I just want to disappear and die.

I couldn't even perform and complete one simple task.

I'm a fiasco, a catastrophe, a mess, a wreck, a useless piece of garbage.

If I'm gone, she will be happier.

Burden-free.

She'll be able to do whatever she wants.

Whatever that makes her happy.

She doesn't have to suffer dealing with me anymore.

I'm causing all these distress and misery.

Without me, everything would be sailing smoothly and everyone would be glad.

Please please take me away.

I'm begging you for mercy.

Take me back to where I belong. 

I can no longer live in this pathetic place.

DANKE, IT'S BEEN A BLOODY MONTAG!

That's it.

I am never right about anything but this I can be very bloody 

sure that I AM BORN FOR NO GOOD.

Just a fucking trouble-maker.

I am here to cause trouble.

Nothing else but that.

I was supposed to die at birth.

The umbilical cord did strangle me but it wasn't forceful enough.

It wasn't cruel enough to take my life.

Why did I live?

Can Apocalypse just come right away?

I just can't wait anymore.

Life is a journey?

Well, why did mine even start?!!

It wasn't supposed to start! 

Now, I can only hope that on our Final Day, the asteroid would 

directly hit me on head so that I can die for sure.

I desperately want to go to Humanoid City. Please!

ICH WILL STERBEN!!!!!

Why can't a car just hit me?!

Or can't just any psycho freak dig my guts out or chop me into pieces?!!

I wish I were an ant. I can get squashed easily and DIE.

Song of the day : Phantomrider

Aliens & Angels ♥

KILL THE DREAMS GONE BAD

Never was and never will be.

VERLOREN UND TOT

What am I?

Who am I? 

What do I want?

What can I give?

I can never stop questioning myself.

Doubting all possibilities.

I can never do something right.

People always say focus on the positives and the negatives 

will eventually recede.

But, how can I even find these positives when they're 

like needles in haystacks?!

Wait, do I even have them?

Too bad.

Positive drowned in negatives.

Impossible to even imagine.

Forget it.

I'm just one useless piece of garbage wasting Earth's resources.

A burden to my parents.

An invisible being. 

I can feel my soul floating on air.

Aimless.

Numb.

Life to me is just a mere struggle.

To be born means to enter into a world of endless sufferings.

I'm born for no good.

Purposeless.

It really does feel like Apocalyspe now.

When can this ever end?

When will you ever come, Apocalyspe?

I'm waiting.

I'm sinking.

I'm trying. 

I'm dying. 

ICH BIN HUMANOID

Humanoid City live in Milano!

I finally found the right moment to watch it.

Omg!

It was breathtaking, superbly awesome, unbelievably magnificent, 

jaw-droppin', amazing und all of the synonyms you can think of!

I cried when Noise was played.

I was so freakin' thrilled. [Just like in World Stage] *adrenaline rush*

I cried when they showed a snippet of TH's footage, 

during the old times und also recent. ♥♥

Humanoid in German und acoustic version was fascinating. ♥

Bill's talk was so melodious right before Phantomrider.

Bill hit the high note perfectly in Love & Death. ♥ *feeling high*

I cried when he sang In Your Shadow. ♥

Screamin' got me jumpin' around.

I cried when Bill und Tom appeared with Zoom Into Me. ♥

When I was watching this, I couldn't feel myself exist in this 

pathetic world.

I could feel as if I were taken on an unforgettable odyssey in 

my wildest fantasy.

There were so much emotions in me. The ambivalent feeling. 

Watching Bill, Tom, George und Gustav rock the stage was 

like sweet dream.

It also took me way back to World Stage where all the magic happened.

I would really really love to watch the FULL HUMANOID CITY CONCERT!

It would be the best damn thing ever!

Und of course, I have to watch it with my dearest Mii.

Perfect combination of Aliens und Engel, interacting soul-to-soul would be 

a feeling that is out of this world.

But, it would only come true in a dream.

I want to wake up in my dream.

Liebe mein Engel.

You guys added meaning to my life.

You tighten the bond between mein dear und ich.

You made me feel that ich bin nicht allein.

With your existence, there's something that I look forward to each day.

♥

Song of the day : Frei Im Freien Fall

Aliens & Angels ♥

ALLEIN

I feel like a bad person.

I feel like a total bitch.

Song of the day : Der Letzte Tag

Aliens & Angels ♥