Doubts.

Am I this worthless? 

I just feel like I'm never gunna suceed in anything.

I can never do anything right.

Nothing. 

Failed as person, failed as a daughter, failed as soul. 

Everybody hates me.

I can feel it and my hunches are usually right.

I can see it.

I just know it.

It shows in people's faces.

I can tell they are annoyed.

They want me dead.

I'm better off gone.

Cries.

It has been months since I've stepped into this site. It feels weird to be blogging again, to be having a quiet time with just me and my thoughts. I used to pour my everything out in this space. But there comes a point where I just wanted to keep things to myself. It's hard. I feel as if I were to explode. So, I guess externalizing these thoughts and feelings on black and white is a better way of releasing the tension in me.

.

.

.

A lot has changed this year. Unpleasant changes. Horrible. Traumatizing. Unforgettable.
Something that would stay in me for the rest of my life. 
Something gone.
Something ripped away from me. From my life.
The sorrow.

Our lives have gone downhill in year 2011. Way down. 
Nothing could have stopped it.
It's fated and it's not something that you'd want to go against.
It has been rough.
Death occured.
That was how ugly it got. 
More might come.
I can tell.
In fact, I know it.
I feel it.

.
.

Why did you have to go?

Why must it be you? 

Why?

I can never believe the words "It's gunna be okay" anymore.

Cuz in the end, it never will be okay.

The situation would only aggravate.

The facts of life. 

You just need to take it or you'll be victims of yourselves.

Sad but true.

Bitter.

Never good enough.

Never the one.

Bitte. Nicht.

It is not as if it has already happened or it is going to happen. I don't know. I'm not sure. I couldn't be sure. I don't know what to feel, what to think, what to expect. All I know is I couldn't stop thinking about it. I couldn't imagine how my life would be or go on if it really happens. I tried to, but I couldn't. Nothing comes to my mind. It is filled with blankness, emptiness.......

It is as if a part of me will be missing. Part of my life. Losing my motivation, inspiration, enthusiasm, determination, faith, force, spirit.... Nothing to look forward to. Nothing to keep me going. Nothing to wake me from the dead. 

Been feeling so down since I watched the video. It is really an amazing and awesome video but it also brings out so much emotions. Emotions that I don't feel good about. Emotions that will pull me down if it prolongs. That could kill. I just wish these emotions are mind games. Unreal.

Nein. Why am I poisoning my mind with such thoughts? It will not happen! Will it? Please. Don't. I just found my track. I don't want to be lost in oblivion again. In a limbo. I still am but I have a direction now. At least not twirling around.

Why am I so affected by this? It is not as if they are tangible. It is not as if I really know them. It is not as if they know about my existence, my feelings. It is not as if.... No... I am deeply affected. Them breaking apart will put a deep cut on my flesh. My heart. 

These thoughts brought tears to my eyes. I know I shouldn't be even be thinking about something that I am not even sure of. These ludicrous assumptions. But, I just couldn't help it. The thoughts wouldn't leave me. It haunts me. I am just afraid. Worried. Anxious. 

I hope whatever that has been playing in mind will not come true. I have fallen so deep. There is no turning back. No way to climb back up. I need you. We need you. We love you so much. Don't ever *.

I CAN'T WAIT ANYMORE.

I just want to disappear and die.

I couldn't even perform and complete one simple task.

I'm a fiasco, a catastrophe, a mess, a wreck, a useless piece of garbage.

If I'm gone, she will be happier.

Burden-free.

She'll be able to do whatever she wants.

Whatever that makes her happy.

She doesn't have to suffer dealing with me anymore.

I'm causing all these distress and misery.

Without me, everything would be sailing smoothly and everyone would be glad.

Please please take me away.

I'm begging you for mercy.

Take me back to where I belong. 

I can no longer live in this pathetic place.

DANKE, IT'S BEEN A BLOODY MONTAG!

That's it.

I am never right about anything but this I can be very bloody 

sure that I AM BORN FOR NO GOOD.

Just a fucking trouble-maker.

I am here to cause trouble.

Nothing else but that.

I was supposed to die at birth.

The umbilical cord did strangle me but it wasn't forceful enough.

It wasn't cruel enough to take my life.

Why did I live?

Can Apocalypse just come right away?

I just can't wait anymore.

Life is a journey?

Well, why did mine even start?!!

It wasn't supposed to start! 

Now, I can only hope that on our Final Day, the asteroid would 

directly hit me on head so that I can die for sure.

I desperately want to go to Humanoid City. Please!

ICH WILL STERBEN!!!!!

Why can't a car just hit me?!

Or can't just any psycho freak dig my guts out or chop me into pieces?!!

I wish I were an ant. I can get squashed easily and DIE.

Song of the day : Phantomrider

Aliens & Angels ♥

KILL THE DREAMS GONE BAD

Never was and never will be.

VERLOREN UND TOT

What am I?

Who am I? 

What do I want?

What can I give?

I can never stop questioning myself.

Doubting all possibilities.

I can never do something right.

People always say focus on the positives and the negatives 

will eventually recede.

But, how can I even find these positives when they're 

like needles in haystacks?!

Wait, do I even have them?

Too bad.

Positive drowned in negatives.

Impossible to even imagine.

Forget it.

I'm just one useless piece of garbage wasting Earth's resources.

A burden to my parents.

An invisible being. 

I can feel my soul floating on air.

Aimless.

Numb.

Life to me is just a mere struggle.

To be born means to enter into a world of endless sufferings.

I'm born for no good.

Purposeless.

It really does feel like Apocalyspe now.

When can this ever end?

When will you ever come, Apocalyspe?

I'm waiting.

I'm sinking.

I'm trying. 

I'm dying. 

ICH BIN HUMANOID

Humanoid City live in Milano!

I finally found the right moment to watch it.

Omg!

It was breathtaking, superbly awesome, unbelievably magnificent, 

jaw-droppin', amazing und all of the synonyms you can think of!

I cried when Noise was played.

I was so freakin' thrilled. [Just like in World Stage] *adrenaline rush*

I cried when they showed a snippet of TH's footage, 

during the old times und also recent. ♥♥

Humanoid in German und acoustic version was fascinating. ♥

Bill's talk was so melodious right before Phantomrider.

Bill hit the high note perfectly in Love & Death. ♥ *feeling high*

I cried when he sang In Your Shadow. ♥

Screamin' got me jumpin' around.

I cried when Bill und Tom appeared with Zoom Into Me. ♥

When I was watching this, I couldn't feel myself exist in this 

pathetic world.

I could feel as if I were taken on an unforgettable odyssey in 

my wildest fantasy.

There were so much emotions in me. The ambivalent feeling. 

Watching Bill, Tom, George und Gustav rock the stage was 

like sweet dream.

It also took me way back to World Stage where all the magic happened.

I would really really love to watch the FULL HUMANOID CITY CONCERT!

It would be the best damn thing ever!

Und of course, I have to watch it with my dearest Mii.

Perfect combination of Aliens und Engel, interacting soul-to-soul would be 

a feeling that is out of this world.

But, it would only come true in a dream.

I want to wake up in my dream.

Liebe mein Engel.

You guys added meaning to my life.

You tighten the bond between mein dear und ich.

You made me feel that ich bin nicht allein.

With your existence, there's something that I look forward to each day.

♥

Song of the day : Frei Im Freien Fall

Aliens & Angels ♥

ALLEIN

I feel like a bad person.

I feel like a total bitch.

Song of the day : Der Letzte Tag

Aliens & Angels ♥

ICH WILL REITEN SOLO

I really wish to go solo.

Jason Derulo's Ridin' Solo is what I want to be.

The lyrics totally suit what I am feeling, what describes me inside.

Yes, even though it's not over yet, but I'm already feeling it.

I don't know what's going on in my freaking mind.

I don't know what happened.

But I've decided.

Nothing can change my mind.

What's meant to be is what's meant to be.

I just want to be alone!

[I'm so sorry that it didn't work out]

[I'm so sorry but it's over now]

Song of the day : Gegen Meinen Willen

& Ridin' Solo [Jason D.]

Aliens & Angels ♥

ALLES GUT ZUM GEBURSTAG!

Angels were born!

Three of our dear Angels were born in the month of September ♥

[ Hey! I was born in this month as well! =D ]

1st September 1989

Our sweetest twins, Bill und Tom. ♥♥

Omg! 

This photo drove my hormones all over the place! ♥__♥

You guys are so, so HOT! ♥♥

8th September 1988

Greatest Drummer of all time, GuGu Bear!

Without you, the band would not have been so great.
You rock big guy! ♥


***
Oh, Bill.
I really hope you can take a nice, long rest.
The amount of work is just too much.
We feel you.

Song of the day : In Your Shadow [I Can Shine]

Aliens & Angels ♥

THE LAST LOOK BACK IS BLACK

Okay.

So, let's talk about Tokio Hotel ♥

31st July was obviously, MTV WORLD STAGE!

And our main purpose for attending was obviously, TOKIO HOTEL! ♥♥♥ 

 .

To watch our Angels Bill, Tom, Georg and Gustav rock the stage and 

bring the place down with their awesome and incomparable music. ♥

.

Again, loads and loads of thanks to my beloved Mii for
getting those passes. ♥

Love you lots! ♥♥

.

Before the big event, both of us filled our stomachs with FOOOOD first.

Sort of knew there would be NO dinner.

Oh, who cares about food when you have your Angels rockin' on stage?!

Then, we went shopping for some stuff. No luck.
.

We decided to head to the entrance an hour earlier to queue but unfortunately, 

there were already a gazillion homos queueing.

We even had to queue under our good friend. 

"You ALWAYS make us HAPPY"

.

Skip the crap and straight to our favourite part.

♥♥♥♥ TOKIO HOTEL ♥♥♥♥

I can definitely say that they had the best performance that night.

They got the crowd thrilled and adrenalized!

We were shouting, yelling, shrieking, screaming, crying and almost got 

our lungs flying out.

[ I kind of lost my voice after that but it was all worthwhile. ♥ ]
.

Mein Engel ♥♥♥♥

[Biu, Tomi, GeGE & GuGu (drumin' up there)]

BILL! ♥♥♥

Bill is SO HOT! ♥♥♥

 One of my fav part, Bill raised with his bike! And his shades! 

Omg! Made him look super striking and drop-dead GORGEOUS! ♥♥♥

*melting*

TOM! ♥♥♥

Tom's hotness, burnin' up the stage! ♥_♥

Mi Tomi! ♥♥♥

Aww~ Look at the lovely twins. ♥♥♥♥

Awwww~

This, was the best part. 

Bill sang "Zoom Into Me" while Tom played the piano.

It was a special moment.

The way he sang it, the way those lyrics float through our souls,

really drove a thousand emotions out of us. =*l

I was totally drowned in his voice and Tom's melodious piano-playing 
captured my soul.

That moment will be kept in my memory forever. ♥

What made it even special was being able to share that beautiful moment 
with one of the most important person in my life, that is Michelle.  
♥♥♥♥

Ich liebe dich! ♥

Love you Bill! Love you Tom! Love you Georg! Love you GuGu! ♥ 
 

The only unfortunate thing happened was the delay between each performance.

Thus, it ended quite late.

I'm so happy coz I get to see mein Engel & SPEND THE WHOLE 
FREAKING DAY WITH MY MII!!! ♥♥

Oh! We also bought our Tokio tees on the way out! ♥♥

Gosh, making this post really got me so emotional & I really wish time could turn back.

Better still, time could freeze at that moment.

I am still in World Stage up until today.

I don't think I will ever come back.

It made me feel as if I am one step closer to getting into Humanoid City. ♥ 

Song of the day : Alien [German]

Aliens & Angels ♥

LEAVE ME ALONE

I have so many things running through my mind.

Too many.

Just like a monsoon sweeping across my myelin sheaths.

I don't even know how categorize these thoughts.

Everything is in a mess.

I realized I have done so many things for the past few months 

that made me look like a fool.

I wish I could just disappear from this world.

I would really love to go to Humanoid City.

It looks exactly like how I imagined my ideal world would be.

It's like my fantasy.

I've dreamed of it.

And wish I would never wake up.

I'm already slipping away from life little by little, day by day.

One day, I'll be gone.

Song of the day : Rette Mich
Aliens & Angels ♥

RETTE MICH

I wish to live in Humanoid City.

Mit meinem Aliens und Engels.

One day.

That day will come.

Song of the day : Zoom

Aliens & Angels ♥

I'M SCREAMING ON THE TOP OF THE WORLD!

AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

I'm so effin relieved!!!!!

6 assignments done!

Spent a few weeks rushing and rushing these bloody assignments.

Total disaster.

I've became a total 'sakai' because of these asses.

It's as if I was disconnected from Earth.

Asses from day to night. 

Sacrificed my sleep for them.

Need to get back to the world and get updated. 

World Stage next!!!!!

Thanks to Mii ♥ who never gave up waiting for the weirdo dude to appear on the MTV webbie.

She's bringing me! *scream*

YEAY!!!!!!! 

Tokio Hotel!!!! Ich liebe dich!!!!!! ♥

And also gorgeous California girl, Katy Perry and Nobody Nobody but Wonder Girls.

I'm definitely going to scream like mad when I see the Kaulitz twins  ♥

Can Tokio Hotel replace Bunkface's performance? =(

☠

DEVASTATED.

Will still support Deutschland no matter what. ♥

DEUTSCH TECHNOLOGIE

Germany!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ♥

Yes Mueller ♥, you guys will be the ONE.

I'm so effin happy that Germany whacked Argentina's butt off the World Cup.

4 - 0. 

Just want to say, "IN YOUR FACE!!!!" to those who doubted Germany's ability. 

They can totally rock it. Can't doubt their teamwork.

Their defense system is just awesome especially Neuer.

Mueller, Klose, Oezil, Podolski..... YOU'RE THE MEN!

*Mueller is cute!*

Argentina, AGGRESSIVE & SELFISH PLAY.

Poor lil' Maradona.

And that 4 lil' chicken, not professional!

I was jumping up and down the whole match yesterday.

I did not even sit.

Extreme nervousness. 

 The second goal was like so sudden. 

No defenders from Arg. 

What were you guys doing? Thinking of your steak at home? Now you can go home and eat steak. 

Spain and Uruguay's penalties......

*speechless*

Gosh, Germany vs. Spain next.

I love Spain as well. Mi Torres. =(  

......

Blah, still Germany!! 

Been supporting Germany from the beginning.

Please, please Germany. Take the cup home. 

GRAVE-D

Exhausted.

Pure exhaustion. 

First semester of Year 2 is an absolute torture.

As in SEEEEERIOUS TORTURE.

Classes from 8 or 9 in the morning to 5 or 6 in the evening.

DO YOU KNOW HOW TIRING THAT IS YOU BLOODY TIMETABLE PLANNER???!!!!!

And in between that, long long LONG hours of break. 

Much much much worse than the first year.

Boredom + physical & mental fatigue 

= What more can I say.

It's only the 6th week now. 8 more to go.

Let's see what happens to me at the end of the semester.

Probably will end up lookin' like a rotten corpse. Weeee!

...

I've been struggling like a whack-o for the this week.

Assignments are not meant to be rushed at the LAST MINUTE, that's for sure.

Career Counseling assignment.

[Due date : 28th June. Started : 22nd June.]

How awesome is that?

Once I get up from the bed every morning, a voice will shout in my effin brain, saying "ASSIGNMENT!!!!"

And there I go, rush rush rush. Grabbing every opportunity there is to finish it bit by bit.

Spent every day and night typing and typing, lifeless.

Conclusion, I officially look like a bloody corpse now.

Huge gratitude for my dear assignment-assignment sekalian.

I kept telling myself that I have to get it started once I've received the ass. question from the lecturers.

YET, I procrastinate. =D

It's a kind of disease that has no cure for it.

And why do we have individual assignments? =(

No syok.

My career ass. is almost done BUT,,, it's rather awkward.

Need double, triple checking.

The lecturer emphasizes A LOT on perfect grammar but not the format. *Damn you

Hope I can finish it by tonight.

Got to get it printed out and tape-bind by tomorrow.

OMG.

HEY DU TROTTEL!

Mad drivers. Yea, once you hit the road, you're in danger.
Danger as in, either getting hit by a psychotic nut or ragging in madness due to your own frustration & ending up getting a heart attack.
There are a few things that really drive my devil out when in certain "road situations".


First, bloody ass holes who think they're F1 racers.
Imagine, driving at 100km/h on the fast lane.
That's certainly not considered slow, right? RIGHT!
And here comes the mug head who flashes the light like nobody's business, honking the fuck out of his car and sticking his car's head at your car's butt.
[Why do I say 'his'? Coz I personally think only people with dick would do that.]
I mean, seriously, what the fuck?
If you think your car is so "power", you might as well just shift to the second lane and overtake!!!
What, no engine? Not enough strength?
 [Power ma, overtake lor! D**!]
Why waste your bloody time and energy doing something that is unproductive?
Please use brains.
The road doesn't belong to you and you cannot do anything selfish.
Oh, wait. And the nut head's car isn't even a race car. You're just driving a bloody K*ncil or S*tria!
Think you're driving a Lambor?! Dream on and please don't make your car overturn.


What makes it more exasperating is, after you have let him pass [when in a good mood], he still got to give you the get-off-the-fast-lane-you-turtle-look.
What's EVEN worse, ten minutes after the race, the bloody car is still in your sight, right in front of you.
Isn't your car damn bloody fast?! Why are you still here?!!


Another thing, same case as the first one, 'sticking car head at car butt at the fast lane' situation.
The impatient moron tends to drive the car close to the right and literally tries to force the front car out of the fast lane.
How absurd is that?! THE LANE ISN"T YOURS DICK HEAD!


Next, still the same as the first case, while Mr. Moron is doing all the barbaric acts, a toll or an exit is up ahead. Obviously, he wants to use the fast lane and you would think he WILL stick on it.
Guess what? The moron swerves to the far left and enters the exit.
OR swerves to the far left to use the 'pay cash lane'.
Driving in a rush all the time but doesn't have a tag? Save money, honey.
OMG. That moment. If there was a gun in my hands, I would have shot the bugger like a million times.

Worst thing!
Driving at 90km/h on the second PUN KENA FLASHED HEADLIGHTS AND HONK!

I just don't understand why people can be so insane.
If you're late for work, get up earlier!!!!
A few more minutes of sleep makes no difference.
Gee, can't ya'll just chill?!
Driving like a mad cow only puts your life in jeopardy. DUH.
And also the lives of other innocent people.
If you're trying to kill yourself, please go to somewhere alienated where no one could see you. Then you can rest in peace. ♥